Hotshot
by Shinodaluva
Summary: 9 humorous oneshots from Reno's point of view;666 words or less. Shows what everyone's favorite Turk thinks about characters,situations,and Cloud's hair.
1. Cloud's Hair Perfectorizer

**A/N: So I've decided to put this humorous head of mine to good use by writing 18 funny oneshots from Reno's point of view. In 666 words or less. Difficult...let me tell you... my first one! Reno is trippin' over Cloud's hair, of course. Who doesn't love screwing with chocobo-head?**

Always seemed to me like, unnatural.

Sorta like it was made for a movie or somethin',yo.

So I go up to him and was like:

"Yo, Strife, how the hell's your hair so damn spiky and shit?"

And then he goes:

"I dunno." Like he has no idea that his coiff is so goddamn amusing.

Still bugs me though. I mean, what the hell,yo? You ever seen a blonde kid with blue eyes wandering around Nibelheim riding a goddamn motorcycle with creepy black goggles on? Nope. Not me, yo.

But it really bugs me.

Why the hell is it so damn perfect?

It's like old chocobo-head stuck his ass up some Hair-Perfectorizer and BAM,yo...he was enhanced with superior-than-me-coiff-spiking-and-eye-catching-blonde-pokey-hair abilities. (Reno sighs)

It doesn't seem like Tifa knows ethier. I mean, she lives with him, for god's sake! She should know what's up. So I asked:

"Tifa, Cloud got some kinda Hair-Perfectorizer in that bar'a yours?"


	2. Vincent's Scrutinization

**A/N: Reno contemplates about the ex-Turk, Vincent.**

Alright,yo, can someone please tell me where the hell this bitch came from?

I mean, he's all dark and foreboding and

red.

I like red.

Even his eyes are red,yo. Killer.

But seriously,yo, he's got a fuckin' cape on like nobody's business... and is all "I am deh Superman" lookin'. Sheesh. You'd think chicks'd be afraid of some guy like that,yo.

But no, it's like they flock to 'im like he's this big pimpin' guy or whatever yo, so I'm thinkin'...maybe this guy's got some of that stuff Rude was talkin' about...those ferbomes,peromes,cheese burgers...er, pheromones. You know,that smelly hormonal stuff chicks like.

Yeah, but i'm not about to go ask this guy. He's an ex-Turk, and I'm_ a _Turk. It just wouldn't go well,yo.

Bad for business and that sorta thing.

I mean, he's an ex-Turk who wears red, yo. That still gets me. And a goddamn cape. Cool.

The more I think about it, it gets more interesting.

It like, hides his metal arm and shit.

By the way...what kind of accessory is that, yo? I mean, would you want that shiny gold thing wavin' around in plain sight or getting' ahold of Good Time Charlie for Fun Time?

No,yo.

It kinda makes me shiver.

Must be cool though, having that many chicks around. Like a goddamn pimp.

I'm whatever.

Stuff like that doesn't bother me,yo.

Oh, and that gun? Yeah it's fake. You seen that thing? Got two goddamn barrels, yo. Fake.

And me? Yeah, I got my little, uh, baton thing,yo.


	3. On Rude

**A/N: I hope you are enjoying these,yo. I mean,it takes awhile for me to come up with all this crap. Like this one about Rude.**

I know what you're thinking,yo.

Me and the big guy are doing the horizontal hula away from all the cameras.

Yeah right.

Have you ever even seen Rude,yo?

He's like a thousand pounds and super metrosexual,yo.

Not only that but he sometimes gets stuff that's pink or magenta colored.

Seen his shades,yo?

Yeah.....

Not my type of-

wait.

I'm not even into guys,yo. What the hell'm I saying?

Oh no.

I've been caught.

Really, though,yo, I ain't in'da Rude.

We're buddies, like friends and stuff. We're cool together.

We eat lunch in the break room like everyone else.

Me and my pasta salad....

It's like this man on man relationship where we're not on each other,you know?

Like,standing on, sitting on, whatever.

We're not on anything together,yo.

**A/N: I always have to end these with some witty line ;) I hope you like these. Sorry if they're not super laugh-tastic...but it's a fic I've wanted to do for awhile.**


	4. Sephiroth is Pine Nuts

**A/N: What does Reno think about Sephiroth? I think Sephiroth is the most evil little ho-bag ever :D I know this isn't canon, but whatever.**

So I'm eatin' my lunch way back when...

Like, pretty damn far back. Maybe like 5 years or some shit, yo.

And Mr. Shinra comes and tells me that there's this guy Sephiroth on the loose.

Said he was some mad guy, with long silver hair and Shinra's property.

Pshh... I don't own things like that.

Runnin' around with no leash I guess. Thought he was a dog,yo.

And he wants me to take care of it. Like i'm a fuckin' dog catcher or somethin'.

But anyways, Rude and I went out to the Nibelhiem reactor and whatever...

and there's this crazy bitch going all apeshit over Jenova,yo!! Her head.

So me and Rude'er like, WTF? What is this Shinra guy doin' out here checkin' out Jenova?

Yeah, good old Cloudie-boy was there too. Just to make things even more ridiculous.

That was before we became like, friends or whatever.

More like business partners.

But anyways,yo, Sephiroth was really gettin' in character talkin' to the Calamity.

He looked like some kid who'd just found Candy Mountain,yo.

I've never seen a sword like that before. The Masamune.

Looks like some long skinny tail thing, if you know what I mean.

But Sephiroth was crazy,yo. Real pine nuts.

I haven't seen anyone that crazy since Kadaj. And that was basically Sephiroth anyways.

But the real Sephiroth was crazy,yo. _Way_ crazy. Absolutely salted peanuts.

Turns out he wanted to "rule the world" and "cause despair" or whatever...

Like that wasn't obvious,yo.


	5. What is Jenova?

**A/N: Wow, these are really enjoyable. Now I'll move on to something more universal...Jenova!**

Ever notice how we Turks are always the one's doin' shit fer Shinra and we never know what the hell is really going on,yo?

I Have.

I mean,take Jenova for instance. What the hell is this crap,yo?

I mean, do we ever all really know _what_ Jenova is?

Is she like a goddamn alien?

Cuz god knows I've gotten clean up _that_ mess...

Really. Do you even know,yo? What Jenova is?

Bet you don't.

Know why? Because we never ever really find out.

We get all this "Calamity that fell from the sky a long, long time ago" crap.

Anyways...

Yeah. Oh sure, Rufus says she's like a Calamity. But I don't even know what the hell that is, yo.

And this whole Jenova/Sephiroth thing...

Don't even get me started on that crack job.

Jenova must be pretty special though, everyone wantin'er head and all. Famous or something,yo.

I wanna be famous.

Hell, I'd wanna be a Calamity if I knew what the hell that was or why it was capitalized in the memo,yo.


	6. Lunch with Yuffie

**A/N: Alright, I'm gunna make 10 of these before I take a break from this fic. This one is number 4 or five, I think. I don't even know. Hm. Oh well. Anyways, Reno decides to take a break from,uh, Turking and have some of his beloved pasta salad with Yuffie.**

First of all, my pasta salad tastes like someone rubbed their asshole all over it.

Second, this chick sitting opposite me must be some kind of ninja-thing,yo.

I mean, look at'er hair.

Strange.

Maybe she's into necrophilia...

Whoa. You should see'er eating that sandwich.

Kinda arousing,yo.

Like a...

Nevermind,yo.

It's kinda gross if I say it out loud.

Ew! God! This fuckin' pasta salad!

But I haveta do something so she'll think I'm listening,yo.

And would you look at that thing she's got?

Pointy, star-thing?

Pretty badass.

Bet you my baton-thing'll kick'er ass though.

Yeah, anyday,yo.

Bring it.

But yeah, no idea why this girl is even here.

I don't even know why I'm here,yo.

Rude was all "Go have lunch with this chick."

And I'm like, "Whatever,yo."

So I did and now look. She's talking to me about this materia shit like it's giving her the most humongous boner ever.

Not really interested,yo.

Yeah, on and on and on...

No way am I going to stand for any of this for another hour.

(Reno leaves)


	7. Don't Mess with the Coiff

**A/N: Reno has something to say about his ponytail.**

Okay,yo.

Quit with all your jokes about my hair.

It's like, really long and luscious,yo.

You're all jealous. Yeah, I've figured it out.

My ponytail thing, yo, it's a real good chick-attractant thing.

You ever seen anybody look at me bad cuz've my hair?

Uh,no,yo.

It's too bomb to even consider.

You just wish all of your puny little follikers, er, follicles were as fresh as mine.

I've decided to never take it out,yo.

I'll keep this chick-attractant reined in, thanks.

Wouldn't want anybody getting' too excited cuz of it, you know?

I know how chicks get,yo.

All apeshit over guy's hair. That's why I keep it reined in.

Yeah.

I like that line.

Reined in.

Kinda arousing,yo.

But yeah. Don't let me catch you dissing it.

That'd be real lame.

My fiery intensity is like, hot,yo.

And the redness, yeah, makes me look real nice,yo.

Cuz then you know it's me.

You can be all, "Reno!"

And then I'll say, "Yo,yo."


	8. LOUD NOISES

**A/N: Reno is irritated by Cloud's motorcycle. {Aren't we all? XD}**

Yo, when is that kid ever gunna stop runnin' that damn thing around?

It's like he has no respect for my ears,yo.

Yeah, I'm talking about chocobo-head's bike.

What else could ever be that annoying?

He does all this weird shit to it, makes it louder and more intense...

God, it's annoying,yo.

Whenever I'm out doin' my thing...

BAM! That damn Fenrir's gotta rush the hell by...

_and make the most damn noise_!

It's like amplifying the sound of that girl's voice in reception:

_"He's not in right now..."_

Lies,yo!

He's gotta be!

Except instead of that chick, it's a fucking robot. Motorcycle. Technology. Whatever,yo.

It's gotta be the most annoying thing ever, listening to that goddamn bike.

I mean, why can't'e just buy like a bicycle?

Does he really need something that makes noise?

Maybe he feels badass or something,yo.

Now I kinda want one...

I wanna be badass,yo.


	9. KiddieHater

**A/N: Reno isn't a big fan of kids, it seems. Based on his experiences in _Advent Children. _I know these are supposed to be oneshots, but there are reoccurring themes/jokes, like the receptionist and Reno's baton-thing.**

****So I'm walking to get some cigs at the corner store,yo...

and there's this little shrimpy motherfucker who asks me to give him some food.

I'm like, "No way,yo,"

and the kid started crying.

Oh god,yo.

I hate that. It's like that receptionist all over again.

_"He's not in right now..." _

BAH,YO!

Yeah, so anyways, the kid runs off, which was like, good cuz I really do not need that crap right now,yo.

I remember when that dragon-thing basically destroyed Midgar that one day, and there were these kids, no joke,yo, kids, just standin' there all quiet and whatever, and so me and Rude'er all, "Let's help out,yo." so I got this one brat that had enough nerve to put his nasty little A.I.D.S. fingers up my goddamn nose.

Like, gross,yo!

Yeah, I dropped that bitch.

He was on his own.

Anyways, how does anyone manage to have kids,yo?

I mean, before that, it's all good and all, but like, you know, after?

When they're all born and gross?

How do you deal,yo?

Do you whap'um with your baton-thing?

I guess that'd be kinda mean though...even for a brat.

Uh, I'd hate it.

I bet it'd be like having a receptionist your whole life,yo.

_"He's not in right now..."_


End file.
